And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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