I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
