When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle