Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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