I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
