I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
