That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
