i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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