i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
