I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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