my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
