Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
