Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
