I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
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Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
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Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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