I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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