i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
