Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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