This girl is more easily done than said...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
