omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
