Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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