so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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