theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
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I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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