I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
