i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
