i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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