Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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