This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
false alarm, still single
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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