did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
