she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
