elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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