I feel great
I just peed on a car
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
ttyl tear gas
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.