Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
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that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
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He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.