Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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