Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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