hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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