I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Randomize
