when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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