he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
