Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
