im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
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he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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