That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
