The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
