My nipple is on Facebook.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
