people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
