Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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