so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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