I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
