I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
