my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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