Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
