Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i out mim tonsoeep
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