Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
