my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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