i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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