Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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