Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
